Steve Maclaren was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her shopping.

He stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" to which the old lady replied, "no way you got yourself into this mess, don't ask me to sort it out!"

My wife phoned me just before the show and said,
'I've got water in the carburettor,
I said 'Where's the car'
She said 'In the river'

I bought my wife a wooden leg for christmas!
It's not her main present, just a stocking filler......

Two Bradford City fans walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

I ran into the back of a dwarf's car the other day. He jumped out and said "Hey i ain't happy" to which i replied "well which one are you then?"

A young boy took his parents to court for child abuse. The judge asked him "Why don't you want to live with your dad?" The boy replied "Because he beats me". The judge then asked "Well then why don't you want to live with your mum?" The boy said "Because she beats me as well". The judge then asked "Well who would you like to live with then?" The little boy replied straight away excitedly "I want to live with Bradford City, because they don't beat anybody!"

The teacher asks the class in Bradford Primary school, "Who in here supports City?" All hands shoot up, all apart from little Timmy.

"Timmy, why do you not support City?"

"Well," Timmy says, "my parents support Avenue so I support them too."

The teacher replies, "Well you don't have to follow in your parents' footsteps all the time, for example, if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug dealer, what would that make you?"

Little Timmy replies, "A City fan!"

Bradford City are about to announce next seasons new shirt sponsors. Butlins holiday parks are to sponsor City over the next two years for an undisclosed fee. A spokesman for Butlins added that it was quite appropriate as there season also finished in October!

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little
sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't
realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to
investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

A little girl came running into the house crying and miserable from a
small cut she just received. She asked her mom for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want cider?" asked Mom.
"To take the pain away," sobbed the little girl.
Tired of all the tears, Mom poured her a glass.
The little girl immediately put her hand into the drink.
"It doesn't work!" she yelled.
"What do you mean?" asked Mom.
"Well," sniffed the little girl, "I overheard my sister say that
whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in
cider."

Little Johnny was in class again.Teacher asked everyone "Can anyone
tell me a sentence
with the word definitely in it?" Meg puts up her hand."The sky is
definitely blue." "Thats
not bad,Meg," says the teacher, "but the sky can be grey or red."
Young Sally tried :"The
grass is definitely green." "Good try Sally,but grass can be yellow or
brown too!"
Suddenly Little Johnny's hand shoots up."Miss Brown does a fart have
lumps?" The
teacher was horrified."No of course not Johnny! What are you talking
about?" So Johnny
says,"Well then Miss brown, I've definitely shit my pants!"

One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not
finding his mother in the
kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door,
and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for
lunch, stripped naked,
on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to
traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong.
Billy watches, and after a
couple of minutes asks,"Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son,
we're a family." So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his
mother starts
moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is
where me and the
postman usually falls off!"

Q. What's the difference between a Bradford City fan and a coconut?
A. One's thick and hairy, and the other's a tropical fruit.

Arnold the Bradford City fan is walking his dog one day, when he sees an old lamp. He bends down to pick it up, and starts to rub it to clean it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, "I am the economy-price genie?" I grant but one wish".

Arnold thinks for a while, and then says, "Make my dog Rover, win Crufts." The genie looks at Rover and says, "Don't be stupid, look at the thing. It's mangy, it's got fleas, it's got a bit missing from one ear it limps and it smells. I might be a genie, but I'm not a miracle worker." "All right then," says Arnold, "Make Bradford City play in the Premier League again." The genie stops for a moment, then says, "Let's have another look at that dog again.

Q. Which three league teams contain swear words in their names?

A. Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and f**king Bradford City.

Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Blondes dumb?!?!?

After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a
blonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food
to replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk
and right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty
hot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde
walks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached
a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she
move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York; and I'm
not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the
co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman, asking her
to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde
replied, "I'm blonde; I'm beautiful; I'm going to New York, and I'm
not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he
should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how
to handle this."
He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear.
She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to
herself, "Why didn't someone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to
her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told
her the first class section wasn't going to New York."

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
next!"

BOOM BOOM! - i'm here all week.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate chip cookies?

Seven...one to mix the batter and six to peel the M&Ms.

Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and
besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied
something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar E- Type convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she
fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check
stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes
enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing
in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly
go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the
car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet
and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody
clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with
her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait
saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be
the matter?

Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."

"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the
engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"

"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do
I have to do that?"

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they
came to some tracks.
The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks."
The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued and were still arguing when
the train hit them.

A couple of blonde girls in a pickup truck drove into a
lumberyard. One of the blonde girls walked in the office and
said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The girl said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.
She returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant
two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?"

The blonde paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go
check."

After a while, the girl returned to the office and said,



"A long time. We're gonna build a house."

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain.
"I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
She hurried home, dyed her hair, came back again and told the
salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
"Darn, he recognized me," she thought.
She went for a complete disguise this time. A new haircut and new
color, a new outfit, and big sunglasses. Then she waited a few days
before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV,"
she told the salesman.
"Sorry we don't sell to blondes," he replied.
Frustrated, she exclaimed, "How do you know I'm a blonde?"
"Because that's a microwave," he replied.

A tale of a husband and wife who were both Bradford City fans!


A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came
to an end. The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful
Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation. On the way
home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they
each could enroll in night courses. After they filled out the form, the
registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or
so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

Moon Mission

NASA is launching a rocket to the moon. On board there are two pigs and
Kiki, a stunning blonde. When the rocket is outside the stratosphere, the
first stage drops off.
Contact is made: "Houston here, Pig 1, Pig 1, do you read us? Over."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 1, read you loud and clear."
"Pig 1, do you still know your instructions?"
"Yes, when we get to the moon, I press the red button to initiate the moon
landing. Over."
"That's right. Over and out."
They go on until the rocket separates its booster stage.
"Hello, Pig 2? Come in please."
"Oink, oink, here Pig 2, read you loud and clear."
"OK, Pig 2 do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes, when we've landed on the moon and are ready to leave, I press on the
green button to initiate the launch program."
"That's right, Pig 2. Over and out."
An hour later, when the rocket has achieved the correct speed the last
stage drops off as planned. Ground control contacts the astronauts again.
"Houston here, Kiki, come in. Kiki do you read us?"
"Kiki here, reading you loud and clear."
"Kiki, do you remember your instructions?"
"Yes," Kiki says, "I feed the two pigs and keep my hands off any buttons."

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks
in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks. "Boy," is the
man's response. "Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there," says the
service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a
Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man
some nstructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the
gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained
Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then
cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs
on him." The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?" The service
guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the
Chihuahua."

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Listen," he says to the
bartender. "If i show you the most amazing thing you've ever seen, is
my beer on the house?" "We'll See," says the bartender. So the guy
pulls out a hamster and a tiny piano out of a bag, puts them on the
bar,
... the hamster begins to play. "Impressive," says the bartender, "but
i'll need to see more." "Hold on," says the man. He then pulls out a
bullfrog, and it sings "Old Man River." A customer jumps up from his
table and shouts "Thats's Absolutely incredible! I'll give you £100
right now for the frog." "Sold," says the guy. The customer takes the
bullfrog and leaves. "It's none of my business," says the bartender,
"but you just gave away a fortune." "Not really," says the guy.


"The hamster is also a ventriloquist."

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster
and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at
what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a
hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens
over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking
over!"

So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young
rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you
around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken
coop."

The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just
to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."

They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!"
and the old rooster takes off running.
About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only
about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on,
grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits.

He sadly shakes his head and says -

"Dammit, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this week!"

A man tried to sell his neighbour a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he
said. "And you can have him for five quid." The neighbour said, "Who do
you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such
animal."

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, Sir," he
pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,
never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in
Bradford. I've performed before kings, I was in the army and was decorated ten
times, i even played for Avenue for 2 seasons in goal"

"Hey!" said the neighbour. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for
just five quid?"

"Because," said the seller,

"I'm getting tired of all his lies!"

A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,"Got
any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. We have only canned and dry goods."

The next day, the duck returns.
"Got any fresh fruit?"
"No."
"Got any fresh vegetables?"
"No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry
goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same
question, I'll nail your flippers to the floor."

On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks,"Got any nails?"

"No."

"Got any fresh fruit?"

How do City fans get a horny dog to stop humping their leg?

Pick him up and start sucking his dick.

What did one Lesbian Frog say to the other?

Gee, we really do taste like chicken.

Two Farsley fans were walking along the street when they came
upon a dog licking his dick.

One fan said, "I sure wish I could do that."

The other replied, "You can, but you're probably going
to have to pet him first."

speak or understand a little bit of French?
Then you'll like this one.

There were two cats that enjoyed running together.
The first cat was English, called One-two-three.
The other was French and called Un-deux-trois.
One day when they were running they came to a huge
river. The cats took a large run up and leapt as
far as they could. Which cat drowned?
The French one .
Un-deux-trois cat sank


(un deux trois quatre cinq)

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said "My dog's cross-
eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "lets have a look at him." So he picks the
dog up and has a good look at its eyes.
"Hmm," says the vet, "I'm going to have to put him down"
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" says the man.
"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a
blank form and wrote, "Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..
woof..woof...woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are
only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the
same price."

The dog replied "What, and ruin the punchline?!"

What is grey and comes in pints?

An Elephant.

Michael Jackson and the doctor are walking out
of the delivery room after his wife gives birth
to their son. Michael says, "How long before we
can have sex?"

The doctor says, "At least wait until he's walking."

Stick your tongue out.

Move it up and down.

Relax.

Now move it left and right.





Well done! You have now completed the Stephen Hawkins workout video.

David Copperfield is doing his magic show and asks if anyone would like to
show him a trick.
"I will", replies a guy in the audience, "but I'm going to need your wife
Claudia and a table."
"Ok", says David and the guy gets on stage.

He then bends Claudia over the table, pulls down her knickers and starts
f**king her from behind. David is now very pissed off and says,
"That isn't a trick!!!"

The guy just looks at David Copperfield and replies,

"I know, but it's f**king magic."

DOESN'T ANYONE ELSE KNOW ANY JOKES OR WHAT?

Great punchline but where's the rest?

when colin todd was bradford city manager he offered to send the squad on an all expenses paid holiday to Florida but they declined. They'd rather go to Blackpool so they could see what it's like to ride on an open-top bus.

how do you make a city fan run?

build a job centre

THATS MORE LIKE IT!
How about this one?

The eighty-eight-year-old millionaire married an eighteen-year-
old country girl. He was quite content, but after a few weeks
she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn't get
some loving real soon. He had his chauffeured limousine take
him to a high-priced specialist who studied him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said, "the
only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to
get it soft again, you say, "beep, beep."

"How marvelous," the old man said.

"Yes, but I must warn you," the doctor said," it's only going to
work three times before you die."

On his way home, the man decided he wasn't going to live
through three of them anyway, so he decided to waste one
trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was UP. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled
with delight and anticipation. At that moment, a little yellow
Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "beep," and the
car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep."

Alert to his jeopardy, the old man instructed his chauffeur to
"speed it up." He raced into the house as fast as he could for
his last great lay. "Honey," he shouted at her, "don't ask
questions. Just drop your clothes and hope into bed." Caught
up in his excitement, she did. He undressed nervously and
hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into bed, he said,
"beep," and he was UP.

He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"

ANOTHER ONE FOR ALL THE AVENUE "OLD TIMERS"


An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"

Q. what happens when the opposistion cross the half way line at valley parade (or whatever its called now)

A. they score

An old man and an old lady are getting
ready for bed one night when all of a
sudden the woman bursts out of the
bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:
"Super Pussy!"

The old man says: "I'll have the soup."

At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.
Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girl
could be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbed
replied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."

how many manchester city fans does it take to change a light bulb?

none - their happy enough living in the shadows

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to
a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared
for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a
tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after
a while she slowly starts to fall over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she
starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and
once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting
to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart"

how many body-builders does it take to change a light bulb?

9,
1 to screw in the bulb and the other 8 to hold the mirrors up!

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing?" he asks. "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works
wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

Is this from Jon W's earlier days???

A blonde began a job at a Junior school , and she
was eager to help. One day during break she noticed a boy
standing by himself on the side of a playing field while the
rest of the kids enjoyed a game of football at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if he was alright.

The boy said he was. A little while later, however, Sandy
noticed the boy was in the same spot, still by himself.
Approaching again, Sandy said, "Would you like me to be
your friend?" The boy hesitated, then said, "Okay", looking
at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress,
Sandy then asked "Why are you standing here all alone?
Why don't you go and join those boys playing football over
there?" "Because," the little boy said with great exasperation,


"I'm the bloody goalie."

Two Tourists

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching
Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's
name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee. "Before we
order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please
pronounce where we are... very slowly?

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
Burrrrrr,
gerrrrrr,
Kiiiing."

The Eighteen Bottles


I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my
wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or
else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I
withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the
sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the
cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception
of one glass, which I drank. I then withdrew the cork from the third
bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the
cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the
glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and
drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. I pulled the
sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I
corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted
the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were
twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I
had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank. I'm not under the
affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as
you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the
drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

An old drunk stumbles into a confessional. After not hearing anything
for a while the
Priest knocked on the wall. The drunk said forget it buddy there's no
paper in here either.

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices
two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of
the pub only to find two bikers, one with his fingers up the bum of
the other.
"So what's going on here?" he asks.
The biker replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm
trying to make him vomit."

The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his
THROAT!"

The biker replies
"That's what I'm going to do next!"

What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic?




A drunk doesn't have to go to those stupid meetings.

A FAMILIAR TALE!!!

A friend of mine just got divorced.
He and his ex-wife split the house.
He got the outside.

PART 2.

Regardless of what you may hear, there's still many women these days
who are excellent "housekeepers".
Seems each time they get a divorce,
they keep the house.

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked
his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.

She said, "I can't wear your pants."

"That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the
one who wears the pants in the family."

The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.

"No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.

"That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your
attitude." she said and smiled.

Why I Fired My Secretary

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.


When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.


Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.


In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18
hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your
last hours ? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."

"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my
favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long !"

"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all,
I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"

Footless Parrot

A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
If you offer the proprietor £20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the AVENUE
won, the REDS lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
her right on the lips."
The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
did??!"
The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
on her breasts."
The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

The boss called one of his employees into the office. "Ashton," he
said, "you've been with the company for a year. You started off
in the post room, one week later you were promoted to a sales
position, and one month after that you were promoted to district
manager of the sales department. Just four short months later,
you were promoted to vice- chairman. Now it's time for me to
retire, and I want you to take over the company. What do you
say to that?"

"Thanks," said the employee.

"Thanks?" the boss replied.a "Is that all you can say?"

"I suppose not," the employee said. "Thanks, Dad."

Two British Gas servicemen, a senior training supervisor and
a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban
neighbourhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and
worked their way to the other end.

At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window
watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his
younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the
truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady
from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them.
They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men
running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

Jon starts working in a lumber camp. The boss says, "We
work twelve hours a day, we eat two meals a day, lights out at
ten-thirty, and you can put your dick in the barrel over there for
a blow job any day but Thursday."

Jon says, "Why not Thursday?"

The boss says, "Because Thursday is your turn in the barrel."

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a
train stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

Work Environment:
(Wise manager) + (Wise employee) = PROFIT
(Wise manager) + (Dumb employee) = PRODUCTION
(Dumb manager) + (Wise employee) = PROMOTION
(Dumb manager) + (Dumb employee) = OVERTIME

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken
to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your
secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey,
my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you
wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very
efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed
her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

A little poem i found!


A bobby of Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
Deceived his good wife
For the rest of her life
With the aid of a constable's truncheon.



Boom Boom - i'm here all week!

Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', said the man.

'I'm going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get £400 a night for what I give you for free!

'The man said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife.

The man said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on £800 a year!'

What's the difference between a barmaid in the afternoon and a barmaid at night?

A barmaid in the afternoon is fair and buxom.
A barmaid at night is bare and ....

just a thought part II ............

If women don't fool around, and men do fool around, who are the men fooling around with?

Josef Fritzels neighbour was asked by TV reporter how long he had known his daughter Alice???????????Alice he replied,who the f**k is Alice,you mean for 24 years..............ive been living next door to Alice

What's the difference between men and women?

Women play hard to get,


men get hard to play!

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got
increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles

had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed and said

"Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one."

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour
But it would not budge. 'Harder' yelled Camilla.'Harder'

Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla
exclaimed 'There! Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said
'See I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the
other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen 'That's
my boy, Once a Navy man, always a navy man!

How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America?


















They had reservations.

Things are bad at home, she's sick of me! Football, Rugby, Cricket always on the telly. Anyway I booked a table for two last night for 8pm to try and patch things up, by 9 o'clock things were ten times worse! She hadn't even potted a single f***** red!

The wife said to me the other day -

"Should I have a baby after 35?"


"No", i replied ........................

























"35 children is enough!!!"

Q. How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A. Two.















But I have no idea how they get in there.

What happens when you sing country and western music backwards?






























You get your wife and your job back.

dave cameron






o no sorry thats the joke of the season